Pub Banter

Six Nations customer, re the Champ: "This is like going to church, only good!"

Sam: "I have successfully defeated the hard Sudoku"

Al: "Smug bastard"

Lawrence: "I'm really behind; It's just taken me two hours to sign a document"

Sam: "Maybe you need a shorter signature"

Lawrence threatens to run Sam over with his car.

Nat (to Sam, who's coughing): "Just shut up or die"

Paul-1 re Paul-2's elbow surgery: "The good news is they stuck a funny bone in while they were there"
Paul-2: "That's not very humerus"

Dave chases Jim into the pub after Jim stepped in front of Dave's moving car without looking, then proceeded to call Dave a 'twat' for honking his horn.
Dave: "Don't call me a twat - I'm not your mate"

Bee: "My face has always been a magnet for balls"

Man walks into the bar: "Did you know your outside lights are on?"
Sam: "...yes"
Man: "Oh, good"
Man walks out of bar

Tony: "I'm going to go and play the organ"
Tom: "Brilliant! I'm going to go home and have a power-wank"

Customer (points at flats opposite pub): "What's that building over there?"
Sam: "Flats"
Customer: "What for?"
Sam: "...people"

Ceecee: "Where do you think is the best place to go for a first date?"
Sam: "..."
Sam: "Seal clubbing"

Bee: "Adrian, you can't go anywhere near my mouth!"

Nat: "Sam, there's violence in the pub, Adrian's being mean"
Sam: "Adrian, apologise to Nat"
Adrian: "No"
Sam: "Nat, accept his apology"
Nat: "No!"
Sam: "Problem solved"

Emma (re her dog): you have to learn not to listen to her face

Pete (re jeans): "I love button-ups"
Bee: "You like buttered nobs??"